I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
