I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
