I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize