She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
