so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
