Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
