She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
