She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
