my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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