cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
