I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
