mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
