im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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