My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
