I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
