My entire life is one complicated drinking game
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
