Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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