mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
