I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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