I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
