you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
