My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
