I feel great
I just peed on a car
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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