Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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