You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
