You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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