He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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