just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
