Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
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Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
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Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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