Your face is a jimmy john
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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