i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
