I hope mine doesn't look like that
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
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Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
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I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize