i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
