there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
