God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
