My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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