You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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