New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
