I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
