when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
