I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
