Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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