nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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