hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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