Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
