I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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