your room smells of hookers.
And success
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
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