I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
