i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
