Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
