we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
