There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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