I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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