yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
