i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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