we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
