I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Randomize
