Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
