I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
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